Episode I: The Phantom Hernia

OK, I developed a small lump in my groin and managed to persuade myself that I had given myself a hernia through the high-energy, athletic lifestyle that I am so famous for (ahem).

Doctors says, off to the ultrasound clinic for you melad. Ultrasound? You mean what they give to pregnant women? Youbetcha, he says. I'm still not convinced, especially when the operator, while probing my regions with a lubed-up probe (say that in Darlinghurst and you may just get what you wish for) says; 'Push'.

Push! Push what?

Anyhow, seems I don't have a hernia, but I may be growing a second willie. Well, you can only hope - the old one's wearing a little thin.

The really good thing about all this I am now in a position to bring you (drum-roll)...Ladies and Gentlemen...

My Testicles.

Skydiving

For my recent 50th birthday, Kim got me 3 pressies; a new mousepad with pictures of all the planets on it, a skydiving voucher, and life insurance.

Lots of life insurance.

Wollongong, then.
Me, rehydrating on diet-coke after last-night's birthday drinkies.
Oi. Tits first, I'm not a slag.
You get a harness with this dire warning. Fortunately, on the back so you can't read it.
These guys cover everything - including your immortal soul.
I meet my instructor, Rob, - and soon-to-be VERY close friend - for the first time. Nobody warns me he's a ginger.
A lot of these shots come from the accompanying DVD, shot with a fish-eye lens, which is why everything looks a little weird.
Didn't Southpark do something similar?
I retain my English fortitude through the day.
And I expected something a bit more, well, air-worthy.
It'll be quicker going down that it is going up.
As we pass 4,500 feet (whatever a foot is), Rob tells me that this is where the parachute opens. Parachute, eh. I never really thought beyond the freefall thing.
Getting all snuggled up now.
Get OFF my plane.
Ha. Silly plane went all upside down as soon as we left. Oh.
It was about now that I realised I had just fallen out of a plane. That wasn't at the airport.
That's me saying a very rude word.
I poke my tongue at the hardness of the ground.
I just really like this pic.
Really, if the whole situation is not bad enough I don't need all this 'bad touching', too.
Ha. Not laughing now, are ya.
Clouds are a bit damp when you're in them.
This was a bit of a surprise. I get to drive the parachute for a while.
Driving, as it turns out, isn't that difficult. Pull one rope, you go left. Pull the other, you go right. Pull them both and you fall out of the sky.
You land on you bum so it's a good thing that the ground is flat.
And that's it.
Thanks Rob. And next time, buy me a drink first.

I went back to the club-house to get the gear off and emerged, as it happens, with my flies completely undone - exposing my manhood to all and sundry. Fortunately, said manhood had shrunk to the size of an acorn and this is probably why...

6 minutes previously:

Todger to Brain: "What's all that noise?"
Brain: "Can't talk now. Plummeting to Earth."
Todger: "Cripes!" (pulls in head)

New Car

Back in Sydney, this was the day after we got the new car - a Peugeot 207 for all you petrol-heads. Here she is on a trip to Newcastle...

Ooo la la.
You sexy thing.
Oh, you naughty girl.

Elephant & Wheelbarrow

Right after a few drinks with the guys in the office, we went over to Northbridge to see our fave Perth band at the English pub...

Yup, the Elephant & Wheelbarrow.
Not sure if I look pissed of cool here. Probably pissed.
Well, it ain't Wembly but a few punters take their seats.
They have instruments and everything.
A last minute sip for Kim.
And it's ROCK AND ROLL.
Good range of songs and really load.
Not sure about the 'making squeaky noises with a blade of grass between your thumbs' song, though.
And that was it. Last night in Perth.

Goodbye Western Power

My last day at Western Power was finished up with some drinkies round the corner.

They look fairly respectable at this stage.

Perth - Car on the Train

The car went back to Sydney on the Indian-Pacific train and here is the drop-off point. At the other end, I picked it up, gave it a bit of a clean (all the red dust, you know), and we flogged it the same day. Sweet.

Rail staff bearing a form that says 'whatever happens, it's not our fault'..
The car contemplates the journey to come. Will I be next to a big fat Balmain Tractor? Will I get a window seat? Is the booze free?
There's the train - all 500 carriages of it.

Perth - Curry

Any day is curry day and today we go to GoGo's Madras Curry House - favorite munchery of the Indian (and all the other's, too) cricket team whenever they are in town. Can't go past that...

It's full of cricket memorabillia and plates signed by various teams.
Kim gets some pre-curry booze down - an important opener to any curry night.

and, yes, the curry is just lovely.

St Patrick's Day

This is a bit of an old photo, taken on St Patrick's day with Dave and Celine.
Spot the leprechaun.

Brandy's Armpits

Brandy, the clinically obese sausage-dog, has smelly armpits, thus...

She gets more pampered than me.

Requiem for an Orange Car

The Mazda 2 is getting a little old and I have to wear a paper bag on my head when driving it because it is dayglo-orange - although, it must be said that Kim thinks it's 'cinnamon' without explaining exactly how a spice became a colour. Time for it to go, then.

Options include; flogging it in WA, shipping it back to Sydney and flogging it there, or driving it off a cliff. Contrary to popular belief, Australia is not actually a country. In order to sell it in WA, we would have to jump through the sort of inter-state hoops the Byzantine Empire would be proud of so we decided to stick it on the India-Pacific train back to Sydney - the bonus being that you can put whatever stuff you like in it.

Just because we were selling the car in NSW, doesn't mean that we can't advertise it before we leave WA, thus these piccies which ended up on one of those sell-your-car sites...


This is the sort of thing you need to see if you are buying a car: The Boot.
The Steering Wheel.
The Bit In The Middle.
Orange enough to burn your eyes out.
The Pointy End.
The Side.
The Blunt End.
The Back Seat.

Now, don't bother getting in touch about buying this car - it's already sold.