30 years ago, probably more through sheer luck than appreciation of the beautiful game, Australia qualified for the World Cup - and promptly failed to do a damn thing. As you would expect from a country with an unnatural tolerance for unnatural acts with unnaturally shaped balls, they got nowhere near a goal-line - other than their own. It was a case as 'let's all giggle at the funny colonials'.
Oh, what a difference. The 3-1 win over Japan was unexpected - not the win, so much, as the scale of it. They could, of course, have not left all the work for the last 10 minutes, giving everyone's heart health a bit of a break but, when it came, it was oh so good. The 2-0 loss to Brazil was always on the cards - let's not enter the 100m Olympic sprint until we can crawl - but Australia put up a good fight and could (with better referreeing) have given the South Americans more of a run for their money.
The 2-2 draw with Croatia was about as exciting as football can be. The referree, somewhere down the line, had the mother of all brain-farts. Though it would be difficult - unless you were someone not a million miles away from me right now - to claim bias. He made bad calls both ways. Notwithstanding, both sides put up a valiant fight. Croatia needed the win, the Aussies merely the draw. As expected, the Eastern Eurpoeans picked up a fistfull of yellow cards, and a couple of red to boot (one after the final whistle!).
Australia, in the end, came through with precisely the right result. And about bloody time!
So, what to expect from your new-found place on the world stage?
- The England footy fans at Aussie / Brit internationals will borrow from the Barmy Army's song book; 'You all live in a penal colony' (to Yellow Submarine). (The answer to this, if you must know, is NOT getting all miffed about the rude, unwashed poms, citing Gallipoli and generally complaining about how everyone's got it in for Australia. The answer IS, coining a song entitled 'We all live in a penal colony' and another one about how English fans have little willies or something. You can do it.)
- The standard of international referreeing will come under scrutiny as Australian fans will decry the number of free-kicks and penalties awarded against them - conveniently overlooking the number of dirty fouls they got away with. So no change there then.
- New writers for [any Australian TV channel] News will be drafted in to create a totally new concept. With Rugby Union falling in popularity, the entire first 45 minutes of any bulletin will be replaced with actual news. The next 10 minutes will be all about proper footy and the remaining time will consist of a quick round-up of darts, rugby union and water ballet. Order will be restored to the universe.
- The Footy Show will be scrapped making way for 2 hours of highlights of the Hyundai A League, English Premier League, the Spanish / Italian / in fact, any Hispanic country's league. It will be the most exciting thing you have ever, ever seen. Dozens of large, hairy transvestites will be reduced to trawling the bars of Darlinghurst and Newtown looking for work after being sacked from the show. They will not be missed.
Can't wait.
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* Let's not forget the bloody French:
Kim and me had a bet each on the winners of each group with William Hill - the bookie across the road. Kim got her selection from a woman's magazine. Yes, you heard that right, a woman's magazine. This is the sort of magazine that features phrases like 'the smart money', 'turn 5 pounds into 2,500', 'look at all these fat / anorexic (delete depending on the issue) stars', 'how to have better orgasms (Every bloody issue. Girls, you've been reading these mags for decades - if your orgasms are not good enough by now, you really should try something else.)', 'chocolate is good / bad (delete depending on the issue) for you' and a whole lot more crap. Needless to say, this bet deprived me of 2 pints of sparkling ale - but we knew that before-hand, right.
I, on the other hand, used my man-brain to carefully assess the form of each of the teams on offer and their potential vis-a-vis the opposition. That, and a set of darts. Out of 8 preditions I got 7 - count 'em - right. Man-brains are seldom wrong.
Until, that is, the French got started. In a group that included South Korea (too short), Switzerland (too moutainous) and Togo (too - where the hell is Togo?), this should have been a no brainer. Sadly, the French forwards had precisely that - no brain. They bombed, and so did my bet.
England has been at war with France for over a thousand years. Now you know why.
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